


Feelings are fatal

by AnDimAcK_cRaCk



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, High School, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Therapy, Tyrus Week (Andi Mack)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25114753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnDimAcK_cRaCk/pseuds/AnDimAcK_cRaCk
Summary: "I'm always sad and I'm always lonely but I'd never tell you that I'm breaking slowly"As Jonah enters high school with his friends it appears harder than he expected. With the feeling that he's losing his friends and his anxiety getting worse he knows he's not okay. But he's never admit to that.
Relationships: Jonah Beck/Jonah Beck, Jonah Beck/Mental health
Comments: 19
Kudos: 34





	1. Prolouge

It's weird that middle school graduation has come so quickly. 

For some reason I always imagined some big blow out party to be thrown like the one in high school musical three after the wild cats won their last basket ball game. Or for everyone to burst out in song and dance singing about sticking together like they did they did at the end of every film. 

But not us because that's the reality of a Disney channel movie. Our last day of middle school was celebrated at the spoon eating baby taters and drinking milkshakes. Nothing new nothing changed but that's okay.

Cyrus and TJ were at one end of the table being... well Cyrus and TJ which is making each other blush while they obsessively compliment each other. Buffy and Marty next to me having a flirting competition and Buffy talking about all the sports she's going to start doing in high school. Don't get me wrong I have Andi to double third wheel with me but not for long she'll be going to art school next year.

It had been the norm of things since Andi's party back in winter and it was the way I liked it. It was normal.

"So last day of middle school how do you all feel" Amber beamed 

"Amber we're going to high school not becoming adults there's not much of a difference just harder stuff to learn" TJ whined while Cyrus leaned his head on his shoulder 

TJ had been vocalising his frustration and nervousness about having to start math in high school saying he wasn't good enough with Cyrus always there to stop him saying that he is clever and he'll do fine. 

"It's okay TJ were all in the same boat whoever said starting high school easy?" Cyrus reassured.

TJ just shrugged only for Cyrus to kiss him on the cheek which made him smile again. It was sweet. Most people would envy it but all my friends are dating one another you get used to it.

"Yeah TJ don't worry we all get it I mean I won't have any friends at SAVA can you imagine how that's going to feel?" Andi huffed Amber patted her shoulder in support

"You'll fit right in Andiman you're a great artist like Cyrus said starting new anywhere is nerve-wrecking but we'll be fine because we're in it together" I smiled

My friends sniggered at what I said I was confused.

"What did I say?" 

"Come on Jonah" Buffy said "You'll make friends faster than any of us you'll be Mr. Popular in high school like you were in middle school one of those heart-throbes in the movies with a constant happy face. You probably already have friends there" She exaggerated 

To be honest I felt a little small hearing that. Is that what people think of me? Some player with a smile on his face? 

"W-well I don't really know anyone" I muttered 

"We didn't mean to make you feel bad JB it's just you're a social butterfly high school probably won't be too bad for you that's all we're saying" Cyrus said 

"Yeah maybe" I nodded

I shouldn't be thinking about high school we've got the whole summer before we have to worry. Like they said I'll be fine in high school.

I'll be fine.


	2. Fearful: Part 1

_-fearful: feeling or showing fear or anxiety._

I remember when I was around 8 I was staying at my aunt's house and my older cousin had just got his drivers license but within a week of getting it he got a speeding ticket my aunt was raging saying how she couldn't begin to understand how he could go as fast as he did.

That's how I feel about summer.

I was struggling to understand how it sped past me so quickly I almost felt angry. My mom had been asking me if I needed any books or stationary I told her we have ages before we have to start thinking about it. Then suddenly Cyrus texted me asking if I wanted to go school shopping.

**[Cy-guy🌈]**

**Cyrus:** _Hey Jo me and TJ are getting_ _things_ _for school at the mall do you want to join us?_

**Jonah:** _why_ _now_ _?_

**Cyrus:** _wdym?_

**Jonah:** _isn't_ _it a bit early to be_ _getting_ _school_ _supplies_

**Cyrus:** _Jonah high school_ _starts_ _in 3 days_

**Jonah:** _frick_

  
After an awkward conversation with my mom I went to get all the things I needed. Even during that point I was still in denial that I was going back to school.

It's only now I'm standing next to Amber and Cyrus in front of Grant high school that reality and fear is sinking in.

"What time did you say TJ would be here?" Cyrus asked for what felt like the millionth time.

"Well he was gelling his hair so trust my brother to be late in his first day of-"

"I'm here" a red faced TJ came up behind slinging his arm around Cyrus

"Good I knew I wouldn't be able to face today without you" Cyrus said breathing a sigh of relief

"We'll be fine I'm sure we will" I reassured him

"Yeah but we can't all make friends as easy as you" he said rolling his eyes

The same twang in my chest came back from hearing that I don't know why it hurts as much.

"I guess sorry" I apologised sheepishly

"Hey guys" Buffy called out her hand locked tightly with Marty's.

"Good you're all here ready for your first day?" Amber said happily. We all nodded.

The doors swung open and we all took in the sights around us. I've been to Grant a few times for the occasional tour but something about it makes it seem intimidating but I think that's just because we're freshmen now.

"So to start with you and every other freshman will have an assembly with the principle it's just a short welcome then you'll have homeroom where you'll be given your timetables and lockers" Amber informed us

We all said a collective 'Thank you' and she headed off to her homeroom to start her day as normal. Our group headed to the main hall to have a talk with the principle. As I walked some guy who looked way to tall to be a freshman bumped into me.

"Wanna watch you're going" he scowled

"S-sorry" I stuttered out

It was nothing. Just brush it off.

"Good morning students welcome to Grant high school I'm your principal Mrs Barton I'm very excited for you all to be joining for the next four years"

A bubbly young looking woman with a European accent spoke to us introducing herself at the front.

"She's a nice change from Dr. Metcalf" Cyrus whispered to me I smiled back agreeing

"My door is always open if you have any concerns and please also feel free to talk to our new guidance counsellor Miss Atkins she is in room B-12"

Mrs Barton pointed to her left at a mixed race woman with brown and blonde hair wearing a black polk-a-dot dress with tall heels she waved at us.

"Your homeroom classes were sent out in an email to your parents but if you're not sure please see the front desk and we'll find out where you are meant to be but other than that have a great first day" she smiled and the other staff members began dismissing us.

I walked along the halls looking for which class was my homeroom the others had gone off in different directions to find theirs. I found a class that said D-14 and walked in in my to be met with a bunch of bored juniors.

"Can I help you young man?" The male teacher at the front asked me

"U-uh" was all I could say

The students broke out into a fit of giggles I flushed red

"Psst Jonah" I turned to my left to see Amber

Thank god.

"Don't worry sir I'll make sure he gets to his class" she took my arm dragging me out the classroom

"What are you doing?" She asked me

"I was trying to find my homeroom I got confused... I'm meant to be in D-14"

"Are you sure it's not 13?" She asked

I turned to see some people that actually looked my age walking into a classroom I thanked her and quickly went to join them.

The people in my class looked nice enough but they were all chatting like they'd had been friends for years I didn't know any of them. I looked around but it was as if I wasn't even their to them so I quietly took a seat at the back fiddling with the sleeves on my jacket.

Okay so I've had some set backs. It's okay we all make mistakes it's nothing that can't be turned around. I did everything I could to stay positive the one thing that could ruin today is if I had a panic attack.

"Hello freshman my name is Mr Wickers and welcome to homeroom I'm not a scary teacher we can all get along and I can help you in these next few years if we co-operate"

As I looked onward in the class I noticed the guy I bumped into staring at me. I guess that's one way to make enemy's.

"Beck... Jonah Beck?"

"Huh?" I said. The rest of class laughed.

Stay calm it's okay.

"Rolecall" Mr Wickers informed

"Oh present" I said quickly before ducking my head.

Watching everyone else socialize with each other made me feel uncomfortable leaving a lingering feeling I don't really have a name for.

But it was very unsettling 

After a few minutes I finally found my way to chemistry and I sighed in relief when I saw Cyrus sitting with a free seat next to him. I quickly walked up to him and tapped his shoulder.

"JB good to see you" he said as we did a handshake

"Same I need a familiar face" I smiled gratefully

"You know it's not as bad as I thought I already made a couple friends in homeroom and my teacher is gay small world right?" He blabbed

"I guess that's nice for-"

"Yeah I mean they even celebrate pride month here so things may not be as bad. How about you have you already got your whole class in love with you? Or girls ready to date you?" He smirked I shrugged.

"Eh it was...alright" I said

"Just 'alright' give me some details" he said

"Well it could've been worse really I'm making it into a drama don't worry abo-"

"If I could have your attention class I'm Miss West your chemistry teacher" a blonde woman dressed in all black spoke to us.

Cyrus's attention turned to our teacher. I guess that get's me out of talking about what happened.


	3. Fearful: Part 2

_-bad day:_ _the_ _overall negative view or feeling about about the outcome of_ _someone's_ _day_

It was finally lunch time I know there are two lessons after that but I needed the break. I managed to get lost a few more times and I haven't been able to make conversation with anyone else I'm pretty sure I nearly got beat up by this senior when I bumped into his girlfriend.

Looking around I noticed all my friends at one table I sighed happily and went to join them.

"Hey guys" I said smiling and sitting down.

"Hey Jo" Marty said acknowledging my presence.

"How's your day been?" Buffy asked

"Ha don't ask" I said pulling my lunch out.

"Come on I'm sure you're already friends with half our grade by now" TJ laughed causing the others to do the same.

"Yeah The Jonah Beck" Cyrus air quoted

I didn't laugh. In fact I'm annoyed they keep assuming I'm some kind of crowd pleaser wherever I go.

"No I didn't actually surprise, surprise The Jonah Beck hasn't made any friends" I spat irritated it caused the others to fall silent.

"Sorry man" Marty said patting me on the back "You're likeable I'm sure you will soon" he reassured I smiled thankfully.

"Sorry for snapping" I said sincerely

"It's fine first days are always the hardest" Cyrus said

"I guess" I said taking a bite of my sandwich.

Marty tapped my shoulder getting my attention.

"You're sure there's nothing going on?" He asked in a whisper concerned for me.

"N-nothing" I stuttered.

They seemed to accept my half hearted answer and continued eating.

\---

My last two lessons where history and music. History was in room A-15 I sat at the back of the class again by myself. At this point I've lost the will to try talking to someone. The teacher called out our names.

"Jonah Beck?"

"Present" I said quietly

I tried to keep my own presence unknown since I had lost hope in making any friends on the first day. It was going fine until our teacher decided it would be fun to do something any student would dread.

An icebreaker.

"I think we should go round the room introduced ourselves and say one of our hobbies to get too know one another." She said happily.

"Starting with... You young man at the back" she pointed in my direction the whole class turned to face me.

My breath got caught in my throat as I shakily stood up all eyes dead on me.

"I'm Jonah B-Beck" I kicked myself for stuttering "And I-I like to play g-guitar" I said quietly. That earned a few smirks from my class mates.

A few people whispered mockingly in response. I sat down red faced sinking lower into my seat.

I couldn't get out of that class fast enough when the bell rang. I darted out making my way to the music room. Glancing around there was no one I knew once again. All seats at the back were taken so I sat in the corner on the second row no one coming to sit next to me.

"Good afternoon students I'm Mr Felton head of music here at Grant today is going to be pretty relaxed just pair and do some research on your favourite artists." The rather tall man said.

"Also if you play any kind of instrument can you come and see me now please" he said

No one went up to him everyone went off in there pairs I had no one and I do play one and talking to Mr Felton sure beats working alone so I shyly walked up to him.

"Oh hello remind me of your name please" he said with a smile

"Jonah u-um I play guitar" I spoke sheepishly

"Oh right that's nice follow me" he rose from him chair and opened the door at the back of the room.

He led me into this hall way full of some pictures of music icons varying from the Beatles to David Bowie.

"This is the music hall to your left is a recording booth" I saw a room full of microphones and equipment that looked pretty cool

"Over there is the instrument storage room we have all kinds of guitars in there and the rest are just room to rehearse or practise relax anything really"

For the first time today I genuinely smiled this is probably the most welcome I've felt all day. Mr Felton took a small card from one of the stands

"Here take this it's a pass that let's you come up here whenever you like you can practise around me too if you like or on your own"

"Thanks sir this is really nice."

"I noticed you sitting by yourself in class do you have anyone to work with or..."

I looked at the floor not answering just shaking my head.

"Well I'll let you off today how about you try one of the guitars let me know what you think" with that he went back to the class

Opening the storage cupboard I looked around at the different instruments trumpets, saxophones and drums different coloured pianos and keyboards.

I have to tell TJ about this place.

I laid eyes on the guitars all different ones bass, electric and ukeleles I choose a simple acoustic one similar the one I have. Not knowing what to play I simply strummed the first chordes Bowie showed me. A smile grew on my face as I did so.

At least I have one good thing out of today.

\---

I opened my apartment door to my mom cleaning the kitchen.

"Hi Jonah how was your first day?" She asked me excited.

She's happier than I am about it.

"It was fine" I replied not want to go into too much detail.

"I'm gonna put my stuff in my room."

"Okay but come help me make dinner after?" She asked

"Of course" I nodded

Going to my room felt like a huge relief on my chest I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding dropping my things on the floor.

To distract myself I thought of the one person who may of had a day like mine.

**[Andiman✨]**

**Jonah:** _hey_ _Andi_ _can_ _we_ _fc?_

It didn't take long for her to respond.

**Andi:** _sure !_

I quickly pressed the FaceChat icon to which she accepted my call I saw that she was in her room she smiled when she saw me.

"Hey Jonah how are you?

"I'm...okay" I hesitated "How was your day?" I asked 

"Awkward" finally someone I can relate too "but not entirely awful" 

Or maybe not 

"Oh guess who also goes to SAVA?" She said excitedly 

"Um I don't know... Natalie?" I joked 

"Haha and no Walker and Libby" she said 

"Oh that's cool" I replied thinking of the two 

"Yep I spent the day with them it was awkward because well you know but it was really fun and apparently some of the people there know about my stereotypes protest I've been getting compliments all day" she beamed 

"I'm happy for you Andi" I huffed 

I guess everyone's had a good day but me.

"Any who how was your first day?" She asked 

"Well-"

"Jonah can you come and help me please?" My mom yelled front the kitchen

"I gotta go my mom's calling I'll talk to you later?" 

"Sure bye" 

"Bye" 

She ended the call. 

I put my phone on charge heading to the kitchen. I haven't had a great start but I'm sure I'll be alright. It's high school not the hunger games. This isn't life or death. I need to relax.

Besides it's just one bad day out 180...long days. I got this how much worse could it get?


	4. Panic! At the spoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W-Panic attack, mentions of vomiting

Sometimes I struggle to sleep.

I find it hard when something is on my mind or bugging me.

I don't think I should be too stressed about anything nothing bad has happened my panic attacks haven't made an appearance in a while the last one I had was during finals week in middle school and it wasn't as bad as the others. I'm not dating anyone. I don't intend too.

What could it be? Sure I've had a rough start in high school but that's not irregular everyone in movies have really bad high school experiences anyways they seem to do fine by the end. The past week was pretty calm I had chemistry a couple times with Cyrus again he told me about TJ going up for the basketball team and how he's going to support him. Andi also told me she going to throw herself into her art work but still make time to see Buffy and Cyrus but she didn't mention me.

But why am I so bothered by it?

I still laid in my bed staring at the ceiling at what I think is nearly 3am. I get up and head to the kitchen flicking on the light and as quietly as I can make myself some coffee.

I know coffee isn't the best thing to help but without it I'll sleep for half the day.

I started to think or over think really.

_How_ _come_ _I_ _feel like such an outsider_ _recently_ _?_ _I've been_ _in_ _school_ _for_ _only_ _one_ _week._

_Why_ _do_ _I_ _feel like_ _even_ _my_ _own_ _friends_ _don't_ _know me? Or recognise_ _that_ _I_ _can't_ _be_ _friends_ _with_ _everyone_ _?_

These thoughts stirred around in my brain I didn't want to think about it anymore so I went back to bed trying to block out my thoughts.

**\---**

The following morning I had made plans to hang out with Cyrus the warm air felt welcoming and relaxing it was... serene. It felt nice to be this happy as I made way to the spoon it could of been the beginning of a coming of age movie.

I walked a little faster than I should have been walking anyways I was early but really excited to be with Cyrus. I hadn't been able to hang out with him properly since... I don't know most likely when he started dating TJ which is fine because it's his first boyfriend I really don't mind. I just miss him. In the most platonic way possible he's my best friend like a brother to me. I miss spending time like we used too but today's an improvement.

I walked in to see Cyrus sitting at a booth but TJ was there his arm drapped around his shoulders.

Oh. He didn't tell me he was coming.

"Hey Cyrus... and TJ" I spoke slowly sitting down opposite the couple.

"Hi Jonah" Cyrus greeted "I hope you don't mind TJ joining us I mean we are going on a date later so we figured-"

"Oh a date? Sorry I... I didn't know maybe I should leave"

Why did I apologise? I asked Cyrus to hangout and he just randomly let TJ join us I like TJ he's cool a but I was hoping to be just the two of us.

"No it's alright stay we don't mind" TJ reassured.

We ordered some milkshakes even though I barley drank mine. Why couldn't Cyrus just tell me TJ would be here I'm not always so easy going. Well even if he did ask I would of said:

_'yeah no_ _problem_ _'_

instead of:

 _'actually no_ _because_ _I_ _kind_ _of wanna_ _spend_ _time alone with my best_ _friend_ _aha'_

I was dragged out of my thoughts when the boys in front of me greeted a couple of people that walked into the spoon.

"Jonah this is Lexi and Harry" Cyrus introduced

"Hi I'm Jonah" I said shyly

That's so unlike me since when did I become shy?

"We met them in English they're really cool people" TJ smiled

"Dude I know you" the girl pointed at me "You're the guy who's voice cracked in history on our first day" she giggled at the memory "Sorry about the others mocking you." She frowned. "But you seem cool"

I didn't know if I should be offended or thankful.

TJ and Cyrus looked at me curious. I ducked my head in embarrassment.

"I-its fine I'm over it" I practically went down to a whisper.

"Cyrus is this guy you told us about? The one that had loads of friends?" Harry asked

"Yeah he had a rough start but he'll come back from me it" Cyrus said defending me. "He's usually the popular one of our friend group"

How can they talk about this in front of my face? I don't even know these people and where did these expectations of me come from? May be I'm happy with the small group of friends I have.

If so why do I have an overwhelming feeling of isolation when I'm around those friends?

I felt nauseous. An all too familiar feeling sent alarm bells off in my brain making me freeze for a few seconds. Not being able to speak or move or breathe... I can't breathe. The rising feeling of nausea rose up in my throat I felt the colour drain from my face.

"Jonah you've gone all quite everything okay?" Cyrus asked cautiously

The corners of my vision began to blur and my palms grew sweaty. I couldn't get a breath in or out. I only managed to nod in response to Cyrus before my legs carried me out of my seat quickening with urge not wanting to throw up in front of everyone.

Aggresivly pushing the bathroom door open I stumbled into a stall dropping to my knees over the toilet gagging waiting to be sick.

But nothing happened.

My breathing was more laboured as I tried to rise to me feet. Dragging myself out the stall I clenched my fingers on the marble counter top in front of the sink and mirror. It got worse by the second I shook violently there was no way this one was going to finish as my heart was beating so fast my body couldn't keep up. There was no way to stop this never ending wave of panic, doom because I was choking, I was dying-

Two hands around my shoulders forced me out of dark thoughts I heard murmuring in the background but I felt like I was underwater I couldnt control anything.

"Jonah... Jonah listen to me okay it's Cyrus you'll be okay look at me look over here"

I could only slowly turn my head in his direction not daring to open my eyes that were clamped shut.

"Let go of the counter you're going to be fine I've got you"

I don't think I can I was afraid to fall if I let go. I can't let go.

"Give me your hands"

I felt his hands in mine still shaking obsessively as he led me to sit on the floor leaning with my back to the counter dizziness grew I wanted to pass out I wanted it to be over with.

"We're going to do this together okay I'm right here please Jonah open your eyes don't be scared"

Slowly my green panicked eyes met his brown calm eyes. They said 'it's okay' they made me feel safe.

"Breathe in"

I felt the slightest bit of tension come off my shoulders

"Breathe out"

My eyes began to focus more I felt the world come back into balance.

"Breathe in"

My lungs didn't feel as heavy and the breaths I took were longer.

"Breathe out... that's it your doing so well one more time" Cyrus smiled

Cyrus. He's always here for me he never hesitates to pull me out of a panic attack.

"Breathe in"

My shaking lessened.

"Breathe out"

On the final exhale I felt as if I had returned to my senses. I was able to face the brunette in front of me who looked at me with sympathetic eyes.

"Well done you're better now" he breathed

Was I though? No I don't think I was but I can't tell him that.

I could stare at the floor in embarrassment. Cyrus took a seat next to me absent mindedly patting my shoulder.

"First of all are you okay now?" He asked

"Yes" I lied

"Do you know what triggered it?" He spoke softly 

I shook my head slightly I really didn't I want to give him an answer but I just don't know weather it was Cyrus bringing TJ without asking or the things Lexi and Harry said to me. TJ was the next person to enter the bathroom concerned probably more for his boyfriends where abouts.

"Hey are you guys alright?"

"Umm... yeah well-" Cyrus started

"Yeah all okay" I nodded

Cyrus stood up lending me a hand as well. He warmly squeezed it in reassurance as we walked out back to our booth.

I was worried. What if I'm not able to make friends at Grant at all? While the others already seem to be getting along with people what they replace me?

The feeling that I had started to feel I finally figured out what it was it was the stabbing pain of loneliness

Even with my friends in front of me that feeling still over takes my brain something tells me it's not leaving anytime soon.


	5. I know about popular

"Morning Jonah"

I slid into my seat next to Cyrus in chemistry. I had woken up a little late today since I couldn't sleep again the other night I didn't have time for breakfast.

"Hey how are you?" I asked

"I'm great what about you?"

"Fine" I said to him trying to ignore the growling in my stomach.

Our teacher was at the front of the classroom and she started talking I tried my best to focus and take notes but there's too much on my mind.

I remember after my first panic attack I kept anticipating another one. Which eventually led me to have one. I was like a deer in headlights or prey waiting for its predator the smallest things would scare me. The last one has given my that same feeling or maybe I'm just over thinking things.

"Jonah... Jonah?" Cyrus waved a hand in front of my face I looked at him abruptly.

"Yeah?"

"I was asking if you wanted to hang out with some new people at lunch?"

"U-uh I don't know" I said

"Why not you usually like too meet new people"

I realised I might of come off as rude. I just don't have a lot of confidence after the first day.

"I-I mean... forget I said that it's fine."

"If you're sure-"

"Yes I'm sure" I quickly cut him off.

"Cool" he said ending the conversation.

Me and Cyrus had classes near each other so we walked together I stopped at my locker and Cyrus went to his which only had one locker that was between us. I remembered it was history. I feel stupid that one class is making me nervous all because of a small incident on the first day

"Everything okay?" I heard Cyrus say next to me.

"Y-yes" I threw him a smile stuffing my chemistry book in my locker.

My legs went weak standing in front of my history class. My mind told me too run but my tecaher noticed me and ushered me inside. I quickly made my way to the back of the class. It was like I was paranoid still thinking about what everyone around me might be thinking.

"Hey"

I heard a whisper to my left it was from the same girl in the spoon the other day Lexi I think.

"Are you good?" She asked me slowly

"Y-yeah" I breathed but I don't think she bought it.

"If this is about the other day don't take it personally they're bound to torment most people or the easy targets unpopular and stuff"

Some how that made feel worse. I've gone from 'The Jonah Beck' to weak and unpopular it feels like I've made that transition over night. My hands began to shake it wasn't an oncoming attack at least just anxiety rising in me. Does everyone see me that way? I don't know.

Lunch finally rolled around but that didn't ease any of my nerves knowing I'd be sitting with some new people. My hands hadn't stopped shaking. I just latched onto the straps on my backpack to have some feel of control.

My friends were at our usual table the there were people I didn't know already sitting in most of the seats. The way they laughed together and chatted getting along so easily only added to my feeling of replacement. My brain had gone into fight or flight mode and before I could think for myself I was turning and leaving the cafeteria exhaling deeply.

I suddenly didn't have much of an appetite anymore.

Unsure of what to do next I remembered the music hall. I got in once I showed my pass too the teacher I went into the storage closest taking the same acoustic guitar I choose the other day playing a song I started writing in the red rooster the other day. It had no lyrics it was just chordes I liked the sound of. My hands finally stopped shaking I sighed relaxing a little.

However a big part of me felt bad for ditching my friends. No wonder they spend less time with me.

I had math after lunch. I don't find it hard but I'm not particularly fond of the subject why do we need to learn how to give change in some problem when there are machines to do it for us? But I still walk into the class 4 times a week and sit at a desk and try to figure out why the person in the problem always needs to buy 24 melons or something.

It dawned on me that TJ was in my maths class. He's going to ask about my absence what do I say? Oh I suddenly felt insecure started to question our friendship and flaked on you guys so I wouldn't get hurt. That's stupid.

My whole life is stupid.

Surely enough TJ came in and took at the desk next to me.

"Hey Jonah there you are" he said fist bumping me.

"Hi" I muttered

"Where were you at lunch? We thought you may of gone home or something" he asked

"I u-uh w-wasn't hungry suddenly I needed to be alone to c-clear my head" technically I'm not lying.

"Oh alright fair enough" he shrugged "you alright though?" The blonde asked

"Yes" I responded

That's starting to become automatic like I'm just saying it for the sake of it I don't want him too know how I really feel.

TJ kept speaking with other people as we got into the lesson. Why have I suddenly become really anti-social? I guess I have to except I'm not going to be as popular as I was in middle school but I can still make some friends. That's what people expect right? To go through high school making friends getting a girlfriend or whatever Mr Perfect. Or maybe that's what they expect from me?

"Jonah?" TJ whispered to me I winced slightly being taken a little by surprise.

"Yeah?"

"Did I copy this out right?" He asked quietly. I think it was more from embarrassment. I looked at him smiled and glanced at his work.

"That should be fourty-two" I corrected "But you're getting really good at math I bet you'll smash high school"

"Thanks" he smiled warmly

"Also." I spoke getting his attention "At lunch I went to this music hall that's next too room C-15 where if you play an instrument you can go there to play, record, rehearse or relax" I told him.

"They got pianos?" He asked me

"Yep loads of them different colors and sizes... keyboards too talk to Mr. Felton he'll give you a pass" I informed

"I'll definitely check it out." He spoke enthusiastically. "And uh... are you sure you're alright? Cyrus told me you had a panic..."

I gestured him not to say it out loud the last thing I wanted was people to listen

"Sorry a _'you know what'_ at the spoon the other day and he said you look... on edge I was just checking in on you"

Should I tell him? How I'm having sleepless nights and feeling more anxious. That I can't seem to interact with others without stuttering, how insecure I've been feeling. How I always feel...lonely.

I just smile and nod.

"I'm good thanks for c-caring though"

He shot me one last concerned look and paid his attention back to his work.

I had the feeling he might be onto me. But I'm stubborn enough to continue denying everything.


	6. No one knows I'm in pieces

On the not so good days the days that are so hard I can't even play guitar to make myself feel better. I either go and sit outside to clear my head or lay on my bed looking up at the ceiling generally doing nothing I don't know what it achieves but I feel unmotivated to anything else.

I had the feeling today might be one of those days but I didn't want it to be. It was a Saturday. The weekend it should be happy for everyone my age. I was determined to do something. I contacted my friends.

**[Heteros &Homos™]**

**Justin Beiber:** _Can_ _anyone_ _hang out today?_

**Mom** **friend** **:** _I'm_ _with TJ all day_

**Basketball gay:** _^^^_

**Better Kippen:** _working_ _sorry_

**Craftyman:** _Doing_ _things_ _for_ _SAVA_

**Mrs. The party** **:** _I'm_ _practising for try outs_

**Mr. The party: ^^^** _I'm_ _with_ _her_

**Justin Beiber:** _some_ _other_ _time_ _ig_

Maybe it will be one of those days. 

**\---**

Shakily I close the bathroom door. Trying to suck in a breath of some kind. 

It's happening again my heartbeat quickening the feeling of disorientation and helplessness and sweat drenching my forehead. No one to help me this time. Am I going mad? it feels like I am trying to restrain the sounds coming out my mouth which sound like sobs running my hands though my hair as I sink to the floor in the corner I felt pathetic. 

"T-this will end" I choked out in a whisper. 

"T-this w-will en-end, thi-this will end, this will-" 

A sudden knock on the door cause my heart to go in my throat.

"Jonah are you in there?" My dad's voice boomed from outside. 

Rubbing my hands against my knees I tried to talk 

"Y-yes b-be out in a s-second" I said quickly trying to hoist myself up. 

I turned on the tap washing my face with cold water looking in the mirror I looked a wreck. My hair sticking out in random places my hands still shaking dark bags under my eyes. Tears sprug too my eyes which I quickly got rid of washing my face again to hide it. I opened the door to my dad standing impatiently.

"Thankyo-" 

I didn't give him time to finish and I dashed to my bedroom and closed the door sliding down against it trying to control my breathing.

"Jonah are you okay?" My dad's voice asked once again from the outside 

"Y-yeah I'm good just... just cleaning my room" 

What is going on with me? Three weeks into high school and I'm falling apart. 

**[Incoming call from** **Cy-guy🌈]**

_**Hey** _ _**Cyrus** _

**_Hi Jonah_ ** **_I_ ** **_felt bad we all kinda...rejected_ ** _**you** _ **_just checking you are actually okay_ **

I paused not really sure what to say I knew Cyrus would help me he always does maybe that's the problem I feel like I'm a mess but I also feel like telling someone will make them feel sorry for me and I don't want people to be worrying about me 

Self pity won't get me anywhere it'll just hurt everyone around me.

**_I'm_ ** _**fine Cyrus no worries** _

**_Okay_ ** _**then see you at school** _

**_Yeah_ ** _**bye** _

He hung up. I let out a sigh leaning my head against the door. Maybe I'll go to the red rooster.

**\---**

The red rooster has been turning into my safe place sometimes I just come in here to sit and gather my thoughts whatever I do I always walk out ten pounds lighter. I never realised how much I would need this place it's the one good thing my panic attacks have given me.

well that and some kind of emotional connection with Cyrus the fact I can confide him so easily. Except in this case.

"Jonah he- woah..." 

I was greeted by Bowie when I walked in but he looked at me kind of... shocked.

"What is it?" 

"Nothing man you just... look pretty tired did you sleep last night?" 

"Well... not really" I muttered 

"Something on your mind?" 

"No just must be one of those nights" I quickly said before taking a guitar off a stand because I had left mine at home.

"Jonah you know if there's anything you want to talk about I'm here for you" Bowie spoke sincerely 

"I'm fine really it's been a rough few weeks I had a few more panic attacks and school is hard but that's it nothing major" 

"Jonah maybe it would be worth talking to a professional" he told me

"No one knows that there getting worse... only you" I admitted "please don't tell anyone I'm having problems I don't want people to feel guilty or worry about me" 

"I won't say anything but Jonah I'm worried about you now I hope you do the right thing soon" he said before heading to the back 

I let that sit with me for a little now I just feel as I'm a coward I just don't know how to tell people about my feelings I hate talking about my feelings but the more this goes on

The more I hate myself.


	7. On my lonesome

**T/W- argumen** **ts, general** **angst**

_Lonesome- solitary or lonely._

Entering the fourth week of high school I look as if I've been there for all four years.

I've let myself go it's embarrassing I just lose a lot more motivation as the days go by. My panic attacks are becoming more frequent to the point where if it was up to me I wouldn't leave my house. My mom keeps breathing down my kneck about school work, house work and how much time I've spent in my room recently.

"Jonah eat up your gonna be late"

"I don't want to go mom I feel sick" I said trying to sell it she put a hand on my forehead

"You feel fine Jonah I'm not falling for that"

I grumbled in defeat ditching my breakfast that I didn't really want. I stood up getting my bag so I could leave.

**\---**

I realised when I got to school I had forgotten a homework assignment that was due in so I pulled out my phone to call my mom but I'd forgotten that too.

It was going to be a long day.

I went to the washroom before chemistry to try and peice myself together tears stung my eyes I let a few of them fall to get them out before I go. I washed my face but it still looked red and tear stained I couldn't do anything about it. The ball rang I dashed to chemistry. I got there and walked in to see the lesson had already started.

"Nice of you to join us Mr. Beck sit down" Miss West gestured to my seat.

As I sat I felt Cyrus's eyes fixed on me.

"Hey" he whispered "Are you alright?"

"Fine" I swallowed opening my book.

"Didn't you wear this on Friday?" He asked

"Yes so what?" I snapped

"Sorry" he quickly said "why were you late?"

"It doesn't matter" I told him weakly.

He dropped the conversation as Miss West went on to talk about ions. 

**\---**

By lunch I was drained quite a bit trying to stay sane until I can isolate myself in my room.

"And then she high fived me she's nice but a little patronising"

TJ was ranting about his math tutor outside of school and her teaching methods I fiddled with my hands the cafeteria was noisy and it made me anxious I didn't feel much like eating.

"Did you forget your money?" Marty asked me commenting on my lack of food "Take half my sandwich man"

He slid his tray over in my direction I slid it back to him.

"No thanks"

"C'mon Jonah you need to eat something we have Math and social studies next I don't know about you but I always end up with a headache by the end" TJ groaned.

The whole group started to chime in trying to get me to eat something but I couldn't take it.

"I said no! I just don't want anything okay leave me alone"

I stormed out the cafetiere and went to the bathroom and washed my face and took deep breathes to stop my hands from shaking I know they were trying to help but I couldn't I felt physically sick lying to them but the truth hurt a little to much.

I had gone home early that day saying I threw up in the bathroom didn't want to face the rest of the day.

"Jonah honey I'm sorry I didn't realise you were actually sick" my mom apologised as we walked through the door

"It's fine I'm going to lie down" I walked off to my room.

I was lying down looking up at the ceiling not realising how much time had passed. Until a knock on my door got my attention.

"Come in" I slurred bringing myself out of my daze.

To my surprise Cyrus is the one that walked in smiling faintly.

"Hey TJ asked me if I could give you your math homework since you weren't there apparently"

"Thanks" I said as he put it on my desk

"Were you sick or something?" He asked sitting on my bed

"Y-yes" I lied

"Jonah I know you weren't you do this thing when you lie you make this face that looks like you're on a game show and you don't know the answer" he joked.

"I-I'm not hiding anything" I muttered

"Jonah you've changed anyone can see that you're more distant less social you're jumpy all the time and you look exhausted" he rambled

"Why do you care?" I snapped

"Because I'm your frie-"

"No your not" I cut him off

"W-what yes I am Jonah I want to help you"

"Really then why does it feel like you're so quick to forget about me?"

"I don't even know what you're talking about" he stood up getting annoyed

But I've been holding this anger for too long.

"You coming into high school and telling me I should find it so easy because I'm Jonah Beck" I huffed crossing my arms

It was a lame excuse I knew that. It goes way deeper than that.

"I'm sorry it's not my fault you can't make friends" 

I grunted running my hands through my hair

"What is up with you? You're acting all crazy and you won't tell anyone anything you're so imcable of opening up you expect people to tell from just looking at you? It's annoying whatever you're thinking just spit it out" He said his voice being raised slightly

"Get out" I said

"Why? What did I do?"

"Just get out Cyrus" I told him in danger of letting my tears be seen.

"Fine don't say I never tried to help you you're impossible sometimes Jonah Beck"

He walked out irritated slamming our front door. I punched my wall breathing heavily.

"Jonah what happened?" My mom asked at my door for me to close it in her face

"Leave me alone" I shouted back at her

"I deserve to be alone" I muttered

As I slid down my door I finally let tears of frustration I've been trying to keep them in but the fact I just hurt Cyrus is enough to send me over the edge.

Maybe I am going crazy.


	8. So bad I'm gonna scream

**T/W- lots of anger and crying**

_Scream- give a long, loud, piercing cry or cries expressing extreme emotion or pain._

When I was little I had this bear that was in many ways my only friend at the age of three.

I called him Lucas he was given to me by late grandfather I was so attached to that thing that whenever my mom tried to wash it or anything I wouldn't let her because I thought it would hurt him until one day she told me that the bear can't actually feel anything. Almost like it's numb. I didn't understand what that meant the idea of not feeling things.

Now it feels like I understand it completely.

I just feel as I'm walking through life this cycle of despair is practically a routine. Wake up throw on any clothes I can find go to school have a panic attack somewhere during the day come home collapse into bed until it all starts again. It makes me sick.

But I bare it preparing for another day like that.

"Jonah wait eat something please sweetie" my mom asked before I walked out the door

"I'll eat at school" I told her

"But you didn't eat dinner last night and you barley eat breakfast I would like to see you eat now" she told me

"I'm gonna be late"

"Jonah I know you didn't want to talk about Cyrus but you do know if there's something wrong you can tell me right?" She pleaded

"Yeah" I breathed nodding "but not now"

With that I walked out closing the door behind me.

As I got to school I saw Cyrus and TJ next to the entrance TJ waved at me to signal me to come over. Cyrus got his attention shaking his head telling him not too.

That hurt like a punch in the stomach. 

I headed to my own locker taking out my books before homeroom. Just as the intercom went off the halls went silent to listen in as our Miss Bartons voice came on.

_"Can_ _Jonah_ _Beck make his way to my office immediately_ _that_ _Jonah Beck."_

My face flushed red as I froze a few eyes went on me some of them curious some judgemental. I shut my locker quickly going to the principles office.

Sitting in there felt police interrogation. My palms sweating even though she sat there with a smile I don't think I'm in any trouble.

But it's never fun being publicly called to your principles office.

"Good morning Jonah you are probably wondering why you've been called here"

"Yeah I am" I spoke sheepishly

"Well I'm here to check everything is okay with you"

"I'm sorry I don't understand" I said

"Well one of your friends raised their concerns about you and I checked with a few of your teachers they said you have been distant in class and-"

"Which friend? Was it Cyrus?" I asked

"No and I can't tell you in afriad" she said a little startled by my outburst "But I care about your well being is there something going on at home?"

"No and even if there was it's none of your business I'm fine" I firmly told her

"Well I can see you are not in the mood to talk about this but when you are my office is always open and you can also see our guidance counsellor" she smiled warmly with her stupid yet sweet accent.

"Thanks but I won't need it can I go?" I asked

"Yes you're free to go if that all you have to say"

I picked up my bag and left I may of seemed rude but I didn't want to be questioned on my private life and stuff I've made it clear that I don't want people to know about my problems or whatever.

**\---**

History was period three and Cyrus must of been right about me looking exhausted everyone looks at me like I'm a ghost. I daydream half the lesson not noticing my teacher in front of me until she taps my desk lightly.

"Mr Beck I need you to pay attention in my lessons"

"Sorry"

"Can I have your homework please?"

Oh no. I forgot. Can't I get anything right?

"I-I don't have it s-sorry" I muttered 

She sighed in dissapointment.

"Mr Beck you are a month into high school you should be used to a routine I can't let this slide detention after school"

A few people next to me sniggered as she turned walking back to her desk. I pulled my hood up trying not let people see the tears welling up in my eyes.

Why am I crying over a detention? I'm not a baby. I'm so stupid I keep failing at everything at this rate I'll never amount to anything.

**\---**

I went into the cafeteria to see my friends at the usual table they all saw me but quickly turned away as if I wasn't there Cyrus must of told them making them turn on me. Typical. I made my way to the music room instead I didn't feel like a guitar was going to fix things so I didn't bother picking it up. I wondered around the room of different instruments when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hey" It was TJ with this concerned look on his face

"Why are you here to defend Cyrus? Yell at me for hurting him? Whatever it is just do it" I said feeling tired

"No" he said softly "I'm here to check on you Cyrus did tell us everything that happened I don't think you're mad at him" he looked directly into my eyes as if reading my mind "Jonah tell me what's up"

"I can't" I whispered

"If it gives any consolation" He took a deep breath playing some random piano keys "I'm the one that spoke to the principle about you" he confessed

"You what?" I shouted

"I'm sorry if I over stepped but we were all worried about you not just me and the others too they maybe ignoring you for Cyrus's sake but we can tell you're not alright... please talk to me" he pleaded

"TJ you may think you know what's best for me but you need to let me do this on my own" I said grabbing bag but he grabbed my wrist

"No I won't if you need help you won't go through whatever this is alone"

"Just go back to your boyfriend" I said snatching my wrist back.

**\---**

Walking out of school that same day after detention I bumped into Cyrus at the main entrance he dropped his books

He must be here waiting for TJ to come out of basketball try outs.

I went down to pick up the books he dropped figured if we're gonna get past this I should at least apologise first.

"Look Cyrus I want to talk properly" I said he snatched his books off me

"Well I don't you made it clear that you don't want to talk about anything"

"I'm sorry I kicked you out I was just angry and-"

"Jonah please just don't...I think we both need to avoid each other for a little while at least until you figure out what you want" he walked away.

My hands turned into fists shaking. I needed to get home. I was speed walking nearly running my phone went off in my pocket. I took a look.

**[2 missed** **calls** **from** **Andiman✨]**

**Andi:** _Jonah_ _are you free? I_ _want_ _to talk._

**Andi:** _Bowie_ _told_ _me_ _I_ _should_ _check up on you_

**Andi:** _don't_ _be mad at him_ _he's_ _trying_ _to help_

I told Bowie not to tell her. Also why are my friends starting to care now? I've felt lonely for so long because of everything going on now they want to help?

I burst in my apartment avoiding my mom heading straight for my room my fists clenching and unclencing over and over and my thoughts kept growing and spinning around like a carousel. 

_What was TJ_ _thinking_ _telling_ _our_ _principle_ _about_ _me? What if she calls my mom?_

_Cyrus_ _probably_ _hates_ _me now_ _and_ _he'll_ _never_ _talk_ _to me._

_It's_ _all my_ _fault_ _my_ _stupid_ _fault_

_Because_ _I'm_ _too_ _stubborn_ _to ask for_ _help_

Anger boiled inside of me and like a volcano I erupted. Running my hands violently through my hair I shoved the contents of my desk in front of me onto the floor it all hit with a loud thud. I went on to repeatedly punch my wall grunting as the tears of anger spilled on my face. I bit down on my knuckle to keep myself from yelling but I couldn't contain myself. I shoved my head into my pillow.

And screamed. I screamed as loud as I could. Moving around aggressively on my bed. My fist pounding the mattress in aggravation over and over.

Lifting my head slowly I saw the wetness on my pillow and tried to stand but I only fell back down my back leaning on my bed post on the floor trying to contain my cries but it's no use. My phone continued buzzing I threw it across my room as my mom entered abruptly.

"Jonah what's all the noi-"

Her mouth parted mid sentence looking at the mess I made in a fit of anger my knuckles red from punching the wall my face even worse riddled with shame as I breathed heavily from my space on the floor. 

Without saying a word she knelt next to me gently wrapping her arms around me that sent me over the edge I dove into her chest and cried. I cried like I was a small boy again. My mom stroked my head with one hand rubbing my back with the other. 

"M-mom" I started "I-it's all my f-fault I d-don't know what to do" 

"Shhh it's okay now" she whispered lightly kissing the top of my head. 

I let her cradle and comfort me. Something she hasn't done since I was around ten. It gives me a soft feeling it's warm.

I needed it more than anything.


	9. A-N-X-I-E-T-Y

_Anxiety-_ _A_ _feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome._

My mom took me out of my room into the living room. Not leaving my side until I was comfortable. She got me a glass of water placing it in my shaking hand she gently ran her hand through my hair as I took slow sips.

"Jonah... do you want to tell me what's going on?" She asked softly

I shook my head the fact that she saw me like this is embarrassing enough. I don't want to start bothering her with my problems.

"Well whenever you're ready I will listen to you I promise" She smiled.

I know my mom probably meant this she's always trying to get me to talk about my feelings especially after the bankruptcy. I can't imagine telling her that I've been having panic attacks since I was thirteen.

"A-actually" I breathed "I want to go for a walk... please"

"Yes of course do you want me to come with you?"

"No I'm good" I reassured

I wasn't really just going for a walk. I needed to make things right with the one person I knew I could speak too. That is if he would speak to me.

I arrived in front of Cyrus's house hoping he wasn't staying at his dad's house this weekend because that was across town. I knocked on the door trying to stop my hands from shaking.

Cyrus was the one who opened the door but he tried to close it when he saw me I stopped him with hands.

"Cyrus please I want to apologise"

"For what Jonah? Throwing me out of your house or pushing away everyone who's tried to help you?" He said crossing his arms

"All of it okay I am sorry really I-I've never been more sorry about anything I'm begging you to at least hear me out" I pleaded

Cyrus looked down at my shaking hands his eyes softened looking back at me he knew that I was being genuine. He opened the door letting me in. We made our way to the living room I had always liked Cyrus's house it had a very welcoming feeling but at this moment I could only feel tense.

"Look Cy-" The boy raised his hand to stop me talking.

"I want to talk first" I nodded

"Jonah I was only mad because I care about you and I didn't know what was bothering and the thought that you're going through something alone made me angry because I want to be able to help you"

Tears started to form in my eyes he always cared of course he did he's Cyrus I've been a total idiot.

"I didn't mean to push you away. Not you or T.J, Buffy, Andi, Marty or anyone else I just feel so..." I searched my brain for the right words but I was struggling.

"It's okay get there..." Cyrus encouraged

"I feel like my life over the past few months has been slow whilst everyone else's has been full speed ahead you've all got these great things going for you, you're all two steps ahead and I feel this pressure to keep up or I'm gonna be left behind or forgotten about and it's terrifying"

I let out a shaky breath after my rant putting my shaking hands on my face I didn't dare look up at Cyrus he must think I'm weak.

"I'm sorry you must think I'm... over dramatic"

"No no I would never think that" Cyrus said pretty firmly "Jonah I had no idea you felt this way... I'm so sorry"

We sat in silence for a little unsure of what to say next. There was something I needed to tell him but I my brain kept going back forth it was exhausting.

"Hey" Cyrus whispered gently "Try to relax it's just you and me"

He placed a hand on my shoulder I took a deep breath.

"They're worse" I started "My p-panic attacks they've become intense and er... frequent"

"Oh Jonah why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because I know what you're going to say" my voice was raised slightly "You'll tell me to go to therapy or something a-and it scares me the idea of therapy but what scares me even more is telling my parents"

I stood up shaking out my hands I was ready bolt for the door but Cyrus's firm grasp on my shoulder kept me from doing that

"Your parents don't know? Look I know it's scary to tell them something like this believe me I know but they only want what's best for you as cliche as it sounds"

"No I can't they'll be so dissapointed that kept this from them well it's not like I don't already keep secrets you're probably dissapointed in me"

Running a hand through my hair I turned away from Cyrus was tears rolled down my cheeks.

"Hey it's okay come here it's okay"

I let Cyrus comfort me as we hugged I rested my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my back whispering reassurances.

"What's gonna happen to me?" I whispered

"Nothing... nothing bad but I'm going to do everything I can support you" he said as we continued the hug.

"Thanks Cyrus"

"I can help you if you let me"

I nodded my head as much as my brain was screaming at me to push him away again and tell him that I don't need help I let him continue to comfort me.


	10. Whenever you're ready

"That's it for today students remember tomorrow you'll have a Math test on what we've done recently have a good evening" 

I started collecting my books and putting them in my bag I couldn't wait to go home school days feel like they last forever sometimes. I noticed a frown on T.J's face I gently tapped him on the shoulder.

"Are you alright dude?" I asked 

"Yeah I'm just nervous about the test some of the stuff we've been learning is pretty hard" He shrugged

"I'm sure you'll do great you can already answer a lot of the questions if you spend time on the things you're unsure about you'll be okay" I encouraged 

"Thanks man I'll just have to pull an all nighter or something" He said as we walked out of class

"Good luck" I said

"You too" He wished as we parted ways.

I went to my locker taking out a text book I would need so I could study. When I closed it I jumped backwards a little in surprise as I saw Cyrus standing there.

"Cyrus you scared me" 

"Sorry" He said sheepishly "T.J said he has to study tonight and I'll distract him apparently so I thought we could hang out" He smiled

"I'm in the same class as T.J so I'm afraid I need to study too sorry" I apologised 

"Well maybe I can help" Cyrus smiled

I knew why he desperately wanted to be with me. It was because of that night I came to his house ever since then he's been there for my panic attacks or just to check up on me he's also tried to help me think of ways to tell my parents for the most part I don't mind I don't feel as alone but I did really need to study and I really didn't want to talk about mental health or anything.

"Cy I know you mean well but this test is important" 

"I promise we will be productive and completely on task" He reassured 

"Alright" I said giving into his begging.

Cyrus had only been to my new apartment a few times I always said that it was pretty small that's why I don't have loads of people round but he always said he liked how welcoming it was. When we got in my parents weren't home so we set up on the small dining table with my laptop and two glasses of water. 

"So what do you wanna study first?" He asked me

"I think I'll start with algebra" 

My mom suddenly entered with the jingle of her keys and a few shopping bags.

"Hey mom" I greeted 

"Hi Jonah... and Cyrus hi" She said a little stunned 

"Hi Judy, Would you like some help with those?" Cyrus asked

"No thanks sweetie however I guess you too made up?" 

"Yeah we did" I confirmed 

"Yes the argument wasn't that big of a deal really after Jonah told me the truth" Cyrus spoke

I gestured for him to stop before my mom started asking questions.

"What truth?" She furrowed her eyebrows 

To late.

"Um it was just about why I... don't invite him to the apartment that often" I lied 

"Oh Jonah I always say should invite your friends over" She scoffed ruffling my hair 

Once my mom retreated to her room I gave Cyrus an annoyed look.

"Why did you say that?" 

"Because it's not good to keep secrets in general let alone from your own parents" He pointed out

He was right. He's always right but I'm not going to tell him that.

"Whatever" I said shaking my head.

"You know what it looks like you don't need my help so I'll go" He said picking up his bag heading for the door.

"Cy I'm sorry-" I was cut off by the door slamming.

I ran my hand through my hair in frustration why can't I let him help me? We literally just made up and now I've ruined things.

"Oh where's Cyrus?" My mom asked walking back in.

"He had to go home" I said sadly 

Losing the motivation to study I picked up my things and headed to my room I set everything down on my desk and collapsed onto my bed.

**\---**

I sighed heavilyputtingmy English books in my locker my Math test was in five minutes but what happened yesterday was still on my mind. Not only because Cyrus hasn't returned anyone of my six apology texts but also because I'm tired of having to pretend everything is okay in front of my parents but I'm so used to it I'm not sure how to open up to them. I made my way to a different classroom that was specifically for taking tests trying to ignore everything I was worried about. I saw T.J standing at the door already.

"Hey Jonah" He said looking rather pleased

"Hi" I breathed I wasn't in a talking mood really.

"I actually studied really well last night I feel confident for the first time ever" He grinned "And Cyrus not being there kinda helped me to focus" 

I winced at the mention of Cyrus feeling my heart beating against my chest I tried taking deep breaths but it only seemed to speed up. I shakily raised a hand to my chest feeling my throat close.

 _no, no, no, no not here_

My breathing sped up to the point my body could hardly keep up I tugged at the collar of my shirt as my chest tightened T.J was still babbling but his words weren't very coherent.

"Then again Cyrus is my favourite distraction... Jonah?"

My whole body was shaking with one hand still on my chest I put another on the wall next to us my head running in circles.

"Are you okay man?" T.J asked putting a hand on my shoulder.

I shook my head tears forming in my eyes. I collapsed onto the floor my chest rising and falling at lightning speed as my mind and body fought with each other. My hands frantically ran through my hair the fluorescent lights were way too bright as the room blurred.

"Hey Jonah it's okay I'm here" T.J put his hand on one of my knees. "I can go get help and-"

No! Don't leave me like this. I wanted to scream but I could barely get in a single breath. I could only grip his arm shaking my head.

"Okay... Okay I won't go anywhere" he reassured

I nodded quickly feeling T.J take one of my hands with both of his. I tried to stabilise my breathing but I couldn't.

"Hey go get help" I heard T.J say to someone.

My whole body trembled as my pulse fired erratically tears of frustration rushed down my cheeks.

"Shh it's okay you'll be okay" T.J continued to say softly.

 **\---**  
About a half hour later I was sat up on the examination table in the nurses office steadily drinking water. My breathing more stable but my hands still shaking. T.J was next to me keeping a hand on my arm I was overcome with guilt T.J was looking forward to that test and now we both missed it all because I couldn't keep my stupid panicking under control.

"How do you feel?" T.J said finally speaking up.

"A little better" I uttered "I'm sorry"

"Don't apologise" T.J said sharply

"But we missed the test"

"We can do the test some other time your wellbeing is more important" he said sternly

"Thanks" I whispered

"That was a really bad one I've never seen you like that"

I just shrugged not really knowing what to say.

"Was it caused by something?" He asked curious

"I guess I was over thinking"

"About what?" I stayed silent "Sorry if you don't want to say-"

"No it's alright I... Cyrus wants me to tell my parents but I'm scared to do it because I'm also scared and embarrassed about getting help" I said tearing up

"Dude I understand you know my dyscalculia?"

"Yeah"

"Well after I told my parents they got me a tutor and trust me dude I didn't want one but it was really helpful now I'm more confident in my math skills. Point is getting help sucks for dyscalculia or panic attacks but at the end of the day it's worth it." He smiled

"How did you tell your parents?" I wondered

"I just sat them down at dinner one day they were surprised but understanding"

I nodded but there was still one more question.

"But what if I tell them go to therapy and they can't fix me?" A single tear fell down my cheek but I didn't bother to wipe it away. T.J placed his hand on my shoulder again.

"Dude you don't need to be fixed" he replied warmly.

The door burst open making us both jump in shock it was Cyrus.

"Hey T.J texted me about what happened are you okay?"

Cyrus jumped forward crushing me in hug from where I was sitting I hugged back.

"I'm better now Cy" I reassured

"I'm sorry for walking out the other day really I promised I'd be here for you please forgive me"

"It's alright I do forgive you" I said as we parted "I'll tell them" I said to T.J

"Well done Jonah" he beamed.


	11. we'll get through this

_Relief-a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress_

I rattled my keys through the lock on my apartment swinging the door open. Before I could even take off my shoes I heard my mom making her way towards me.

"Jonah hi are you alright?" She asked nervously

"Yeah why?"

"Your school called well your principle called really she said she's worried about you?"

Great I guess I'm having this conversation now.

"Actually I need too... talk to you about something"

"Sure thing sweetie"

"Is dad home?" I asked

"No"

"Can we wait till he gets back?"

She noticed the fear on my face and nodded softly in response with that I went off to my room trying to prepare what I was going to say.

 **\---**  
Soon enough dad came home in time for dinner my mom made a lasagne which is usually my favourite but I was so nervous I could hardly bring myself to eat but I forced myself trying seem as normal as possible. But all too quickly we were finished the plates put in the dishwasher as we all sat back down at the table.

"Jonah said that there's something he wants to tell us" My mom informed my dad.

"Well go ahead son" my dad encouraged

"U-um well I..."

I'd spent hours trying to formulate some kind of speech but my mouth went dry and my mind completely blank.

"Jonah"

My mom snapped me out of my thoughts putting her hand on top of mine I didn't even realise it was shaking.

"You can tell us anything honey you know that right?"

"I-I know it's just-" I started only for my dad to cut me off

"Oh I think I know what this is" He said

"Y-you do?"

"Yes and you should know it's okay we don't love you any less"

"What do you mean?" I asked I confused

"Look Jonah we don't care about you being gay you're still our son and-"

"No dad that's not it" I interrupted

"Oh... well what are you trying to tell us? Is everything okay?"

"No" I sighed deeply "I'm not okay"

I looked up to see their reactions but they looked at me concerned pressing for me to continue I felt sick my dinner threatened to make a reappearance but I swallowed and carried on.

"M-my mental health it's pretty bad" I scoffed at how sad that actually sounded I just didn't know any other way to put it.

"Can you explain Jonah? And don't feel rushed take your time" My mom reassured

"W-well I never told you guys this but I've been getting panic attacks"

Their eyes went wide for a second trying to take in this news

"Okay for how long?" My dad asked

"Since I was... Thirteen" I confessed

"What!" My dad gasped in shock

"Jonah you're almost Sixteen that means it was nearly three years ago... oh my god three years" my mom said putting a hand over her mouth.

I looked down tears stinging my eyes I knew this was a bad idea now they're dissapointed in me.

"Jonah why didn't you tell us?" My dad said softly

"I don't know I was handling them and I know this sounds like I'm making excuses but with the bankruptcy I didn't want to worry you guys... But now the attacks are getting worse I feel horrible all the time I push away my friends I hate it and I hate myself" My voice wobbled

"Sweetheart we are your parents we'll always worry about you really you should've come to us sooner" My mom said squeezing my hand

"I know but I just feel like I need to be happy all the time and be this perfect son so I don't dissapoint you guys... But now I have"

Tears rolled down my face my dad stood up and knelt down in front of where I was sitting putting a hand on my knee.

"You could never dissapoint us Jo we're just upset because you've been dealing with this alone you do not have to be perfect all the time you're human you're also always going to be our boy and we are going to do everything we can to help you"

I was a mess at this point barley being able to contain my cries I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around my dad's kneck tears falling onto his shoulder. He hugged back tightly softly kissing the side of my head.

"Thank you dad" I choked

"It's alright I love you Jonah so much"

I felt my mom wrap her arms around me from behind my body shook as I continued to cry. She kissed the back of my head softly whispering reassurances. A great feeling of relief washed over me I finally didn't have to hide from my parents anymore.


	12. Abnormal

_Abnormal-deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable or worrying._

I stirred the bowl of cereal in front of me letting the contents letting go soggy. As much as I begged her not too my mom was taking to me to school this is part the reason I didn't want to tell her I knew she would treat me like a baby or like I wasn't normal.

"Jonah have you thought about which therapist you'd like too see?"

I'd been trying to avoid that conversation for a while now I knew it was coming when my mom handed me some brochures she picked up about some local therapists.

"No I haven't yet... Are you sure we can afford it?" I wondered 

"I'm not sure yet but the sooner you pick someone I can see if it covers our health insurance besides you don't need to worry about that worry about you." She tapped her nails on the counter nervously this is also why I'd been putting off telling them I knew we'd struggle. 

"Okay" I nodded

"Come on lets get you to school" She said ruffling my hair 

**\---**

I was sat in study hall not really doing anything but thinking about which therapist I should see. I wanted to try, I really wanted too I just couldn't shake the feeling of uncertainty about it I can hardly talk to the people I know and love how am I supposed to talk too a stranger in some office about how I feel? I saw Cyrus and Buffy walk into the library waving at me I smiled in their direction as they came over and sat opposite me. 

"Hey Jonah, how are you?" Buffy asked cautiously 

"I'm good" I answered

"Okay just Cyrus kinda told the group everything" Buffy confessed 

"Cyrus?!" 

"I'm sorry we were talking at lunch and they just kept asking me questions about you and why you were acting so weird I couldn't hide it from them" He said 

"It's okay I've have bigger things to think about I huffed" 

"Like what?" Buffy wondered 

"I told my parents a couple nights ago" I confessed 

"That's great news" Cyrus grinned 

"We've been talking about getting me to see a therapist"

"That's a good thing isn't it?" Buffy wondered

"Yes but my mom wants me to make this decision fast so she can see if we can afford it or not and I don't know the whole idea of talking to a stranger about my problems makes me feel... abnormal" I huffed 

"First of all, you are not abnormal, Jonah. A lot of people go to therapy. Second, therapy can be weird, especially at first. I don't blame you for being hesitant about it." Cyrus reassured 

"Really?" 

"Totally and It should be your decision ultimately whether or not you feel comfortable with it or not" Buffy said.

"Also if you want my advice I think it would help you a great deal you are good at talking to people whether you realise it or not but of course it completely your decision" Cyrus said 

"Thanks that really helped" I smiled faintly 

"Wait" Cyrus paused "Didn't you say my dad helped you during your first panic attack?" I nodded 

"Well you're familiar with him and he wouldn't do it for free at course but he would definitely go at reasonable price if you're not too disturbed about seeing your friends dad for therapy I could talk to him for you" He looked at me hopeful

"Thanks Cyrus I think that would be the best thing actually" I nodded 

"Okay awesome" He smiled 

"We're proud of you Jonah I know none of us have told you that but we are we will also always be here for you" 

Buffy came round an hugged me from where I was sitting which I returned gratefully. I felt Cyrus come round and wrap his arms around Buffy and I as well. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Thanks guys" I choked 

"Just another service we provide" They giggled 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah sorry this took so long to get out man college is chaotic anyways I appreciate you guys being patient and sticking around to read this :)


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